Psychology doesn't help by labelling the various forms this pain takes from day to day as "anger" or "guilt" or even "survivor guilt", and there is also that very unhelpful and even downright cruel underlying suggestion, always lurking in the background, that the person who suffers from bereavement pain doesn't "want" to get better, "wants" to suffer or is trying to "hold on" to their suffering - making it all their fault on top of everything else.
If you can consider, even for a moment, that people really do have an energy body, and that this energy body sends messages, signals of pain (and of pleasure) to let people know how it's doing, then bereavement pain makes perfect sense.
People make ENERGETIC CONNECTIONS by nature - this is how we "connect", this is how we interact, and this is how we learn.
The strongest energetic connection is that between a mother and her child, because their systems were ONE at one point, and only gradually do these connections grow apart; but some of them never do and they will remain over time AND space, no matter what.
The second strongest form of connection is that between twins, life partners or other people who have lived together for a very long time.
- Spending a lot of time in each other's company strengthens and deepens these energetic connections; and in very close relationships and families, the energy systems merge into one - they GROW TOGETHER.
So you can imagine that if you tear someone out of this exquisite, fragile web of energetic connections, it is going to cause tremendous pain.
And this is the bereavement pain we can feel in our bodies, and which can cause physical illness, if these injuries in the energy system, where the other was "torn away", aren't healed, and healed quickly.
For a person in bereavement, it really is as though parts of their skin and flesh have been torn away, and their life force is bleeding out of these injuries.
Standard psychology doesn't really have any answers for this problem of bereavement pain. If there is any alleviation of the pain, it is because UNCONSCIOUSLY the psychologist is a natural healer, and "somehow" the words that are spoken and the connections being made transmit energy forms that serve to mend some of these energetic injuries - but this is hit and miss, and relies on the natural healing talents of the psychologist in question, rather than any directly effective technique or method.
If we were to be sensible and ask a person directly, "Where is the worst pain? Where do you really feel it in your body? Show me with your hands!" the person who suffers from bereavement pain responds by, first of all, being relieved that someone finally is dealing with the real crux of the matter - the pain from the injuries they are carrying.
It can happen that people can be in therapy for YEARS and that question is never asked, the actual pain of bereavement never directly addressed.
Now, the person is holding their hands to their chest.
"This is where the pain is," they say, "It is so bad I can hardly breathe ..."
We can look at the place they are showing us with their hands, and now we know where the worst injury is located. Often, there are more ereas of injury; but just like with a multiple gunshot victim brought into the ER, it is the most dangerous wound, the most painful one, we treat first; and when that is done and the patient is stabilised, we treat the others, one by one, in order of severity.
The energy body is injured, we must heal the energy body, and as soon as possible, so that our patient doesn't develop serious ill health (you could think of this like an infection that will infest an untreated wound, and ultimately lead to the patient's demise!).
How do we heal the energy body?
The good news is that as EVERYONE HAS AN ENERGY BODY, we also all have "healing hands".
Even better, we also have an "energy head" (the unconscious or subconscious mind) which can help us, guide us, and which knows what to do.
All "we" have to do - our conscious selves - is to hold the intention of healing that wound that is causing the bereavement pain.
We say to the person, "I am going to place my attention on that place from the outside, and you help from the inside, and let's find out if we can't make this any better."
We can hold our hands to that place, but we must remember that it isn't our physical hands that are doing the healing, it is the hands of energy that everyone has which are doing the work.
We can ask the person to breathe deeply and to let energy flow into that injured erea so it can start to rebuild itself, so it can start to heal.
The wonderful thing about this way of working is that NO ONE ever says, "I don't want to do that, I want to keep suffering ..."
There is no "psychology" involved - we are simply healing an injury, and nothing more.
And the results speak for themselves.
This isn't some form of instant miracle healing, but you can feel the difference from the very first session onwards.
More, self healing now becomes not only possible, but is the right thing to do.
We know exactly where it hurts the most. We can put our OWN healing hands there, stroking, soothing, asking for the energy flow to be restored, for healing to take place.
It is the most NATURAL thing in the world to be doing, and it is the right thing - and the proof is that it works.
To understand that bereavement pain is REAL, that you are not crazy, that this isn't all in your mind or you're making it up somehow, but that you really have an injury that needs healing is a HUGE relief for many people who suffer from bereavement pain already.
The real relief comes, however, once the healing starts.
Once the pain starts to soften, and the previous waves of bereavement pain start to ebb away.
- The most telling aspect of it all however and at the end of the day is the fact that as we are really healing that which is really injured, there is NO shame, NO guilt, NO anger - only an ever gathering sense of love, and appreciation for those who were lost that grows in strength at the same time as the pain fades.
And that is our final proof that we did the right thing, and we really did find the answer to bereavement pain.
- If you suffer from bereavement pain, try a session with an EmoTrance practitioner. It can't hurt any more than you're already hurting, and it has helped MANY more than words can say.
- Be kind to yourself. Remember that you're not crazy, you're injured, and you need to heal.
- Use your own healing hands. Focus on the will to heal, breathe deeply.
- If you have a spiritual light you can turn towards, ask their help to heal this injury as well.
- Accept assistance from others to heal this injury. Even little children have powerful healing hands, often much more so than adults.
With my personal best blessings and good wishes for your journey,
Dr Silvia Hartmann